Friday, January 17, 2003

i haf an overwhelming urge to bitch abt men.

but i won't. i'll grin and bear it. i will not crack. i will be fine. the Lord is sustaining me. and one day i will meet someone who will love me and cherish me and stand all my crap and not give me crap that might kill me. someone who will go church w me every week, and haf his own walk with the Lord. someone who will stand by me.. and whom i will stand by. someone who is a man of his word. someone who will not say one thing and do another. someone who is not fickle. someone who is devoted. someone who will not mind-fark me. someone who knows that as strong as i am, i am juz a girl.

Tuesday, January 14, 2003

me is in central lib now.

meant to get my readings but alone and dun wanna lug my lappie to and fro rbr. haha.
anyway. smth shitty happened again recently. and i feel horrendous. i can juz hear u all going "rach rach when can u tell us smth new?" oh well thats my life... sigh..
i think i shd be more selfish. i've been accused of being selfish by someone i love once. it hurts, esp since i dun consider myself a selfish person. ok we all haf selfish tendencies, but oh well.. thats another story.

so anyway, as i was saying, i shd be more selfish. for self-preservation. it is no longer abt being selfish so i can gain smth, but to be selfish so i'll stop losing. i amaze myself at how i juz seem to give and give yet noone except myself sees it. and when push comes to shove, i end up feeling lyk i've been the meanest bitch in the entire universe. while everyone else juz moves on and dun feel anything. am i that unimportant?

ok i know that Jesus loves me and i'm important to Him and all. and i'm causing Him a lot of heartache and pain when i sink so low.. but as much as i try to lean on Him and draw strength and comfort, i do need smth more human and physically present sometimes.. ARGH WAD AM I SAYING!!!

so anyway, i feel lyk i've lost. again. and my mom's point has once agian been proven. dun u hate it when ur mom is right all the time?
i'm wearing thin. one day soon i'll juz crack and crumble to bits. one more blow is all it'll take. and i haf a feeling that i'll be dealt that blow soon.
i believe that its a trial i hafta face? lyk how great faith is tested in great adversity.. and there are obviously people out there facing greater probs den me.. but still...

(its fucking cold in the lib)
ok its lyk i asked God to clear up some stuff in my life. and thru this, He has. juz that i didnt expect it to occur now. in such a manner. lyk instead of cleaning a portion a day, He spring cleaned it. oh well..

i've told myself that this is nothing. if i'm so unimportant to them, i'll see them as unimportant to me as well. it's juz hard to accept that i've been so insignificant and made so little impact and is so easily forgettable.
but no worries. i'll live. juz that i hafta learnt to live differently. and view things differently. to grow up, wake up, and not be a fucking naive ditz anymore..
(its fucking cold in the lib.. my fingers are going numb)

i could go on and on for hours. but i dun really wanna spiLL my guts here coz certain ppl haf access to this blog and i dun wan dem to haf the satisfaction of knowing the extent that i'm affected.

ok i'm starting to not make sense. very cold. 4pm still haf SW1101E lecture. dun ask y i'm taking SW. i dunno oso.

hillsongs sings "all things are possibLe"