Tuesday, December 31, 2002


well well.. once again, it has stooD true.. tho i feel lyk a wreck on the inside, i remain cooL and caLm on d outside.. haha.. kinda scary i know.. but welL..

haf finally gotten out of this vicious cycle w a certain s-o-b.. feel quite pleased abt the way i did it.. lyk i made known to him at least 90% of wad i haf been thinking.. but it quite lyk d last time, when i broke up w him.. with me talking and talking and him keeping really quiet and having a farking pissed off look on his farked up face..

so anyway, i was amazing calm the whole time i was talking to him.. lyk i didnt cry or get angry or feel out of control... den at the end of the walk, (we talked as we walked) when i was nearing home, i juz asked him if he meant every word in the letter he wrote me. and he said yes.. so i simply said that i guess i've got my answer.. and that there's nothing more to say.. and i walked off. lyk i juz walked very fast and left w/o turning.. (quite cool rite?????)

now i feel really VOID.. lyk EMPTY.. lyk i actually let tt idiot drain me lidat and left me as an empty sheLL.. gosh!! feel lyk a moron now.. haha.. how cud i even haf allowed myself to be manipulated lidat??

this sounds eviL, but i hope with all my heart that a bit.. wait no.. A LOT of him died when i turned and walked away rapidly juz den.. and i hope tt he's regretting everything.. BUT i'm sure he feels really fantastic now, and that he is thinking "Good Riddance". and that he's feeling really happy now..

oh that s-o-b juz sms me.. to say hate him all i want, to take care and God bless. i juz replied to him that i feel really void now.. nothing left. and that i hope he is feeling happy, fantastic, exuberant, and extremely jubilant now.
i hope he's feeling really shitty now. -eviL laughter-
ok i'm scaring myself..

when it all sinks in.. i hope i will really let go and turn to the Lord.. for only He can heaL me.. and consoLe me.. and take care of me.. and provide for me..

i hope i will stop loving him.. one day. i sure as hell hope i do.