Tuesday, December 31, 2002

driving lesson

hey hey.. me juz got back not long ago frm driving lesson. last one before the test. havent driven in 2 months so tot it'll be horribLe lessOn.. den was praying for it to be at least a safe one on my way to ssdc coz i onli slept for lyk 3 pLus hrs.. but it was gooD.. think i might haf a chance of passing my test 1st time.. haha..

anyway, last nite was absolutely horrifying.. lyk i prayed.. den changed CD in my hi-fi frm saach mclachlan to a hillsong cd.. hOping that i'll be more comforted and sLeep easier. but it did not work. i was looking at my clock every 15 min.. and the cd ran 3 times before i think i fell asleep.. even reached a point when i got up and started reading 2 Corinthians.. but it didnt help me sleep. it onli reminded me that it is in my weakness that He is perfected. that His strength is what i need and wad will see me thru. that i need to admit defeat and let Him move w/i this..

so after being reminded.. i felt a bit better.. but after i switched off the light one kind of fear and loneliness juz gripped me. an acute sense that everything.. i mean EVERYTHING is over juz ripped thru me.. my eyes watered but i forced them back. no point crying over spiLt miLk. right? haha..

so anyway, i really felt bugged.. and caved in. i sms-ed that s-o-b some stuff.. nothing abusive la.. juz a notification of smth that had occurred to me in those sleepless hours.. that all along, i had tot he loves me more den i love him. i was nv in doubt of that, and ppL ard me say that dey can see it too.. but i suddenly realised that its not true. lyk i've been falling. slowly but surely, i was falling deeper and deeper.. giving that s-o-b more and more of me.. and i didn't realise in time to stop myself. sigh. damn sad. but anyway, that s-o-b nv repLy me la.. but it was not surprising la. and knowing him, he wun know wad to say.

but after d day started.. went driving and aLL.. and i feel caLm.. and secure in the knowledge that Jesus is more den enough for me. who needs that s-o-b.. but that s-o-b is a chiLd of God too, and i wonder wad He is making of this entire situation now????? sigh..

i'm cooL. hope i stay that way. w/o the void. haha.

when i pass d test i want a number plates that sez cOoL BaBe..

thank u aLL shiny ppL lyk hOn, jin, cLaypot.. for understanding and listening and sticking by me.. :)