sch is starting tmr

hi aLL..
sch is starting tmr. finally. i know the hoLs are short and alL, but aft i quit my job i was immediately plunged into long monologues w myself.. (duh. MONOlogue).. haha.. lyk tho its onli wad, 3 days between no job and sch start, and not lyk i'm v free during that 3 days, but.. oh weLL.. i juz nd to occupy myself so i wun think so much rubbish and therefore haf less psychobabble. i hope.

went for ac concert last nite. was good. missed my days playing under lee's batOn.. not going into wad a winderful conductor he is la.. but yah, i really miss playing under his baton, with acjc band, as a student. i think playing as a aLumni is different as playing as a student lo.. sigh.. maybe next yr i'll go back and play for their concert if can. maybe.

oh welL, ny concert this sat. the 10th. tho onli playing 2-3 short pieces, hope it goes well. am kinda excited too.. v long nv perform on stage in a concert liao. (the botanicaL garden stint w nusws does not count ah)

anyway, hOpe u aLL haf a blessed sabbaTh ;) for those going back 2 sch, see ya aLL ard la. for the shiny bOokseLLer gang, dO take care and lets try to get tog for dinner or smth.. basically, juz take care, everyOne of you!!

God is love :D

failing my tp test

HELLO!!
i feel a lot better today.. despite failing my tp test la. haha but its ok. not lyk i expected to pass. ;) so ya, i'm cooL.. nex test in march.. pray for me. :D
anyway, i guess i'm a lot better now tt the new yr has started. really looking forward to a new beginning in more ways den one! hee.. shan't bore u aLL w the detaiLs la.. :D
anD today was pretty hectic.. haha.. but got mom drive me ard.. at least till i got to dobhy ghaut and had to take a train to kovan to meet my cg at cLaypot (seah's) place. haha. his sister v cute. lucky she dun looK lyk him. hahaha!!!
oh well.. was d only percussionist today at aLumni prac la.. den had to play dumset. it was lyk 1st time lo. lyk if u know how i am lyk in band u'll know that i can'T and won'T pLay d drumset.. but QPM and disco lives sounds weird w/o drum set.. so i made a feeble attempt. didnt go too badly. i hope. :)
anyway, gtg do qt soOn. and read the 2nd chapt of purpose driven life. :D
cheeriOs!!

"You stay the course You hoLd the line and keep it all together
You're the one true thing i know i can beLieve in"

sarah mclachlan sings "push"

today was me last day at work and it was great

hey. hope u all had a good 1st day of d yr. today was me last day at work and it was great. at info 3 d whole day!! haha. and i even got to play sarah mclachlan at work!! (along w ismail's old school ballads la..) hee hee..

anyway, i'm so broke. haha. but i need to shop... pining away for my pay to come in.. in abt a weeK!! so long.... haha...

and i feel a lot better already. i think. :D juz tt mite slip into bitchiness for no reason now and den.. but well well.. haha.. thanks to all who haf stuck by me these 2 days or so.. and i know u guys wiLL continue to stand by me ya?? hee hee..

this is gonna sound really wad. but i realise i cannot take it when ppl tell me how much fun and how happening their NYE was.. ok la i admit its lyk sour grapes.. but well.. it makes me squirm and feel even more no life and loser. i'm usually not lidat. its juz tt was feeling lyk jilted and abandoned, so when i haf no plans when everyone else does, it juz makes me feel more loser-fied. haha..

oh well. tp test tmr morn. wish me luck :)

and i was reminded that its not abt me, but abt Him. w/o Him, i'm nothing.
"all things were created through Him and for Him"
Colossians 1:16 :)

"tho i've tried i've fallen
i have sunk so low
i've messed up better i should know
so dun u come round here
and tell me i told you so"

sarah mclachlan sings "faLLen"

HAPPY NEW YEAR!! its officiaLLy 2003!!!

haha.. ok jokes.. so fast a yr has flown by. into the recesses of my drawer my 2002 far side planner will go, and my pink hello kitty one will see d light of day and the dust of nus.. haha..

havent had a good cry in a while. and claypot commented that i seem more guarded. but juz now, after charmed, i went into my rOom to avoid watching countdown on tv, and i prayed. more of thanksgiving for 2002. 2002 was an extremely eventful yr, wad with working and starting uni and all. got to knoe many wonderful ppl in this past yr, and learnt many many many things. many things, esp relationships, have started, ended, and changed in this past 365 days.. and i am all the better for it all. i think.

oh well. God has certainly blessed me greatly in 2002. tho many unpleasant stuff has happened, its all part and parcel of life. and with His grace and mercy i'm still alive and in one piece :D and His blessings haf also been showered upon me.

and it is during this quiet time of thanksgiving that i broke down and cried.. not teared.. but lyk a tap kind la. haha.. and aft the tears are gone, i juz sat in silence. and once again, my faith is reaffirmed. and the world shd look out in 2003, for i'll walk in His light with all of His people, being a force to be reckoned with. i'm more den sure 2003 will be a yr of great and powerful things.. and i rest secure in His love for me. and know wad, i feel so much better.. haha.. juz maybe a bit upset that i cried la.

hOpe tt in this new yr, i'll be able to be a greater blessing to all around me. that in all things i do, i glorify Him.

may d Lord bLess u and keep u aLL shiny ppL!! -hugz-

New Year Soon

ok i'm using my lappie now so can watch charmed at d same time. i know i've blogged a million times today but its the last day of a super eventful year and i have nothing better to do. all things will change as of 1/1/03. i know it will change, and it will change for the better thru Him. For He is the Rock upon which i stand; my shelter and strong tower.

oh well. hope i'll continue to grow in faith over time and not lose sight despite everything. i'm not perfect, but He loves me anyway. that shd be reason enough for me not to feel frustrated, and lost and so on. ARGH. i think i'm starting to irritate all those who haf been faithfully following my blog, tho its been only 3 days old. haha.

argh i'm feeling so......................... i dunch know.. argh.. its this feeling of being cooped up and stuff.. think shaken coke can. argh..

happy new year.

pray that i'll be able to lean on His strength more and not rely on myself to get thru this. if He is proving for the birds and bees and flowers and that s-o-b, all the more He is providing for me. right?

its new year's eve. noone is online except me

so loser rite. haha. juz abt everyone i know is out, w frens, having fun.. yada yada.. sigh. i'm not asking for much, juz to be able to sit down a few close frens and talk abt stuff.. but well well.. looks lyk everyone made plans w/o me. really gotta thank claypot for having dinner w me, if not i even more sad case.

i cant believe i juz sms that s-o-b again.. to wish him happy new year. I SO CANNOT STAND MYSELF!!! why am i so weak????? tho it is in my weakness that His strength is perfected.. BUT STILL!!! sigh.. i hafta stop being such a loser man. i bet that s-o-b is not feeling even one-tenth, not not even one-hundrendth, of the emptiness i feel right now. juz realised i cried harder when jin left for aussie den now. looks lyk that s-o-b really sucked all dere is to suck out of me.
he shd add "vampire" to his name.. (wadeva la, rachel. wad rubbish.)

oh no, my bro is watching countdown on tv now i think.. or at least all the countdown hype is on tv now.. not lyk i wish to be at any loud and public countdown parties now. juz thinking of being squashed up against all those strange ppL, screaming and cheering for i dunno wad reason. how many people really cheer for the coming of this new year because they see smth significant in it? or are they juz joining in the hype coz its fun, its the happening thing to do, its the place to go to be seen... yada yada yada..

cant wait for sch to start. den i'll be caught up with better things and not think so much rubbish.

theres so much in me that i wanna unleash.. yet i can't. dunno where to start. how to do it. when i was in sec 2, i once heard a volleyball senior say that she feels lyk a can of coke being shaken extremely vigorously, with all that gas (energy) trapped in that extremely limited space. den when its finally opened, it not only bubbles over, but explodes literally. am i becoming like that coke can i wonder?

anyway, charmed has started.. will be back at 11.. haha..

how stupid could i be

night lift up the shades let in the brilliant light of morning
but steady me now for i am weak and starving for mercy
sleep has left me alone to carry the weight of unraveling where we went wrong
and all i can do to hang on, to keep me from falling into old familiar shoes

how stupid could i be
a simpleton could see
that you're no good for me
but you're the only one i see

love has made me a fool set me on fire and watched as i floundered
unable to speak except to cry out and wait for your answer
and you come around in your time speaking of fabulous places
create an oasis that dries up as soon as you're gone
you leave me here burning in this desert without you

how stupid could i be
a simpleton could see
that you're no good for me
but you're the only one i see

everything changes everything falls apart
I CAN'T STAND TO FEEL MYSELF LOSING CONTROL
IN THE DEEP OF MY WEAKNESS I KNOW

how stupid could i be
a simpleton could see
that you're no good for me
but you're the only one i see

-Stupid- sarah

if i had the blogging skills of my darling hon, i wud, lyk her, upload the song on my blog and u all can all enjoy mclachlan's splendid vocals.. but do make do w the lyrics for now. she really knows how i'm feeling man. haha.

know wad

i think LoveActually is a fantastic movie. maybe when i feel better i'll watch it again to remind myseLf that love can be beautifuL, and not everyone is a jerk ;)

driving lesson

hey hey.. me juz got back not long ago frm driving lesson. last one before the test. havent driven in 2 months so tot it'll be horribLe lessOn.. den was praying for it to be at least a safe one on my way to ssdc coz i onli slept for lyk 3 pLus hrs.. but it was gooD.. think i might haf a chance of passing my test 1st time.. haha..

anyway, last nite was absolutely horrifying.. lyk i prayed.. den changed CD in my hi-fi frm saach mclachlan to a hillsong cd.. hOping that i'll be more comforted and sLeep easier. but it did not work. i was looking at my clock every 15 min.. and the cd ran 3 times before i think i fell asleep.. even reached a point when i got up and started reading 2 Corinthians.. but it didnt help me sleep. it onli reminded me that it is in my weakness that He is perfected. that His strength is what i need and wad will see me thru. that i need to admit defeat and let Him move w/i this..

so after being reminded.. i felt a bit better.. but after i switched off the light one kind of fear and loneliness juz gripped me. an acute sense that everything.. i mean EVERYTHING is over juz ripped thru me.. my eyes watered but i forced them back. no point crying over spiLt miLk. right? haha..

so anyway, i really felt bugged.. and caved in. i sms-ed that s-o-b some stuff.. nothing abusive la.. juz a notification of smth that had occurred to me in those sleepless hours.. that all along, i had tot he loves me more den i love him. i was nv in doubt of that, and ppL ard me say that dey can see it too.. but i suddenly realised that its not true. lyk i've been falling. slowly but surely, i was falling deeper and deeper.. giving that s-o-b more and more of me.. and i didn't realise in time to stop myself. sigh. damn sad. but anyway, that s-o-b nv repLy me la.. but it was not surprising la. and knowing him, he wun know wad to say.

but after d day started.. went driving and aLL.. and i feel caLm.. and secure in the knowledge that Jesus is more den enough for me. who needs that s-o-b.. but that s-o-b is a chiLd of God too, and i wonder wad He is making of this entire situation now????? sigh..

i'm cooL. hope i stay that way. w/o the void. haha.

when i pass d test i want a number plates that sez cOoL BaBe..

thank u aLL shiny ppL lyk hOn, jin, cLaypot.. for understanding and listening and sticking by me.. :)

WADEVA DOESN'T KILL ME WILL ONLY MAKE ME STRONGER..

well well.. once again, it has stooD true.. tho i feel lyk a wreck on the inside, i remain cooL and caLm on d outside.. haha.. kinda scary i know.. but welL..

haf finally gotten out of this vicious cycle w a certain s-o-b.. feel quite pleased abt the way i did it.. lyk i made known to him at least 90% of wad i haf been thinking.. but it quite lyk d last time, when i broke up w him.. with me talking and talking and him keeping really quiet and having a farking pissed off look on his farked up face..

so anyway, i was amazing calm the whole time i was talking to him.. lyk i didnt cry or get angry or feel out of control... den at the end of the walk, (we talked as we walked) when i was nearing home, i juz asked him if he meant every word in the letter he wrote me. and he said yes.. so i simply said that i guess i've got my answer.. and that there's nothing more to say.. and i walked off. lyk i juz walked very fast and left w/o turning.. (quite cool rite?????)

now i feel really VOID.. lyk EMPTY.. lyk i actually let tt idiot drain me lidat and left me as an empty sheLL.. gosh!! feel lyk a moron now.. haha.. how cud i even haf allowed myself to be manipulated lidat??

this sounds eviL, but i hope with all my heart that a bit.. wait no.. A LOT of him died when i turned and walked away rapidly juz den.. and i hope tt he's regretting everything.. BUT i'm sure he feels really fantastic now, and that he is thinking "Good Riddance". and that he's feeling really happy now..

oh that s-o-b juz sms me.. to say hate him all i want, to take care and God bless. i juz replied to him that i feel really void now.. nothing left. and that i hope he is feeling happy, fantastic, exuberant, and extremely jubilant now.
i hope he's feeling really shitty now. -eviL laughter-
ok i'm scaring myself..

when it all sinks in.. i hope i will really let go and turn to the Lord.. for only He can heaL me.. and consoLe me.. and take care of me.. and provide for me..

i hope i will stop loving him.. one day. i sure as hell hope i do.

ok i realised tt this in my 4th time blogging in d same day..

can blame it either on a) tt i'm a new blogger and this is all really exciting.. or b) i'm at home.. haf done all tt i feel lyk doing.. and having losta time to compose psychObabble and now need to unleash it.. haha. i think (b) is more true den (a)..

juz finished listening to sarah mclachlan's afterglow for the 12th time today. i'm not kidding. its fantastic. she's got a greaT voice and writes fantastic lyrics.. its playing for the 13th time now.

quite exciting.. tmr new year's eve.. think the most happening thing tt i'll be doing wud be to go for driving lesson in d morning.. den put up my cute 2004 wall calendar.. and its quite exciting tt i can start using my hello kitty PINK PINK PINK engagement calendar.. or planner.. those who r gonna see me in sch wiLL confirm get to see it! haha...

yah i think i'm d onli one ard into hello kitty and cars.. haha.. i'm now trying hard not to go into detail abt the new bmw 5-series.. or the 760Li.. or the volvo S80.. s80 executive.. Lexus LS430.. yada yada yada.. haha..

going back to nygh for alumni prac later after tuition.. haha.. havent been back to ny in more den a yr liao i thinK.. haha..

oh weLL.. forgot wad else i was going to say.. tiLL tonite den.. haha...

checking out RoMe Festival, coOl his..

cheeriOs..

"hearts break hearts mend love still hurts
visions clash planes crash still there's talk of
saving souls still the cold is closing in on us"

ok stoLe this frm deafknee's bLog..

who stoLe this frm dunno where.. hope u dun mind daph! had to share it.. so sad but true..

As you well know, we are getting closer to my birthday. Every year there is a celebration in my honor and I think that this year the celebration will be repeated. During this time there are many people shopping for gifts, there are many radio announcements, TV commercials, and in every part of the world everyone is talking that my birthday is getting closer and closer.
It is really very nice to know, that at least once a year, some people think of me. As you know, the celebration of my birthday began many years ago. At first people seemed to understand and be thankful of all that I did for them, but in these times, no one seems to know the reason for the celebration. Family and friends get together and have a lot of fun, but they don't know the meaning of the celebration.

I remember that last year there was a great feast in my honor. The dinner table was full of delicious foods, pastries, fruits, assorted nuts and chocolates. The decorations were exquisite and there were many, many beautifully wrapped gifts. But, do you want to know something? I wasn't invited. I was the guest of honor and they didn't remember to send me an invitation. The party was for me, but when that great day came, I was left outside, they closed the door in my face .... and I wanted to be with them and share their table.

In truth, that didn't surprise me because in the last few years all close their doors to me. Since I wasn't invited, I decided to enter the party without making any noise. I went in and stood in a corner. They were all drinking; there were some who were drunk and telling jokes and laughing at everything. They were having a grand time. To top it all, this big fat man all dressed in red wearing a long white beard entered the room yelling Ho-Ho-Ho! He seemed drunk. He sat on the sofa and all the children ran to him, saying: "Santa Claus, Santa Claus" .. as if the party were in his honor!

At 12 Midnight all the people began to hug each other; I extended my arms waiting for someone to hug me and ... do you know ... no one hugged me. Suddenly they all began to share gifts. They opened them one by one with great expectation. When all had been opened, I looked to see if, maybe, there was one for me.

What would you feel if on your birthday everybody shared gifts and you did not get one? I then understood that I was unwanted at that party and quietly left.

Every year it gets worse. People only remember to eat and drink, the gifts, the parties and nobody remembers me. I would like this Christmas that you allow me to enter into your life. I would like that you recognize the fact that almost two thousand years ago I came to this world to give my life for you, on the cross, to save you. Today, I only want that you believe this with all your heart.

I want to share something with you. As many didn't invite me to their party, I will have my own celebration, a grandiose party that no one has ever imagined, a spectacular party.

I'm still making the final arrangements. Today I am sending out many invitations and there is an invitation for you. I want to know if you wish to attend and I will make a reservation for you and write your name with golden letters in my great guest book. Only those on the guest list will be invited to the party. Those who don't answer the invite, will be left outside.
Be prepared because when all is ready you will be part of my great party.


See you soon ... I Love you!
Jesus